Setbacks A-Plenty

I binged again last night. At least I think I did. At least a bowl of sliced watermelon, two peaches, and a granola bar with peanut butter (the label saying each bar was a staggering 170 calories). Eating, eating like I have no control and I must do it as regularily as I breathe.

I also skipped the gym last night. I’m lazy for sure. I work eight and a half hours a day (possibly more if I get a second job like I fully intend to), I just wanted to go home last night, AIM my beloved, supportive boyfriend, and take a gander at my new pile of prizes (five library books that came in over the weekend as well as Amelie and As You Like It to watch while I paint this weekend).

I feel like I’m confessing to a priest my many sins. I need to own up to my mistakes and suitably punish myself for them. I’m definitley not skipping the gym tonight. I’m only eating a sandwich for lunch (egg salad on wheat bread…even with fat-free mayo it’s still a whole meal’s worth of calories at 210). If I renig on any of these self-induced punishments I’m going to have to do myself one worse. Like skip breakfast entirely on Saturday or work out double-time instead of going to the park. I’m already undergoing a long-term punishment by sucking back black coffee every morning before work. Black coffee is horrid, but it’s zero calories and speeds up my metabolism.

Wait, perhaps I can go to the park but put my car in the lot near the dog park and jog along the lake…

I guess when you think about it, the analogy with the priest is accurate. I’m a sinner. I sin against my ugly, fat body. Some people view their body as a temple. If that’s true, whatever god my temple is dedicated to is a hopeless, weak little demigod who lost some battle eons ago, and now his shrine is in ruins.

Alas, I cannot fast. Why? because like my demigod, I’m also weak.

I estimate this past week I’ve consumed an average of 1,500 calories per day. Deplorable. I’m not supposed to have more than 1,200. Even then, 1,200 seems like an awfully high number, especially considering my lack of weight loss as of late even when adhereing to said limit.

What is a fat woman to do, honestly? Every day it seems I’m tempted, whether it’s by the candy dishes on my co-workers’ desks, the box of doughnuts the boss brings in once every so often (those evil chocolate sprinkles!), or the fact that the diner across the street makes food that is both highly affordable and delicious. Sometimes I win, sometimes I lose. It seems as if lately it’s been more losing than winning.

And why does it feel like I’m talking in circles? Maybe I just need to get back to work and do something productive for a change.